navigating for the long haul

In August, I wrote a couple of times about feeling burned out and tired. I even talked to a couple of friends about it, and one of those friends brought it to the Real Learning board. It turned out, not surprisingly, that a lot of other people shared the same feelings.

I think part of it for me, anyway, was simple exhaustion combined with stress. I know that in our different ways my friends and I had had very challenging summers.

I think that also, when you've been homeschooling for, say, 15 years and you know you most likely, God willing, will have perhaps 15 more to come, you don't have the adrenalin that you have when you're closer to the starting line or the finishing line. You're in that middle stretch. I know that when I am working out (or trying, anyway!) I dread the middle stretch. It's like the road from Sacramento to Redding! (if you don't ever travel up the Californian I-5, substitute whatever makes sense to your geographical location).

You don't have all the visions/illusions that you started off with, and though you have a few satisfying retrospectives to think about, you also have plenty of ongoing concerns and anxieties. Whether small or large, these often are enough to act like leaden weights, or like a subtle nutritional deficit. (in midlife it's not uncommon to have a few of those, too).

All these things probably contributed to my "blues". The days have been going better, and the answer seemed to lie here, in what I wrote in my first "blue" post:

I remember praying for JOY in living out my vocation. And I found myself actually finding that joy. The daily details of house-maintenance, of spending time with my kids, of maintaining that pregnancy, became sources of deep joy for me. ....(once I embraced them)

Embracing indicates a sort of active receptiveness, an opening to possible vulnerability, but at the same time an act of strength. Sustaining is a nice word too. It seems to go with "embrace" as a sort of sign of life and love and a choice to nourish and come closer, rather than back off and detach.

It is a balance that is taking a fair bit of focus, but it is worth it. To truly embrace, you have to be there in heart and spirit. ... not fretting over the past or worrying about the future.

And when you are embracing, you might as well acknowledge there will sometimes be that "pointy chin." If you have a special needs child, you have probably already read this article: Holland Schmolland and no doubt, found parts of it both to agree and disagree with according to your own experience. This is the part I remembered best from reading it several years ago:

"In Schmolland, ...... you can show affection by giving a “pointy chin.” A “pointy chin” is when you act like you are going to hug someone and just when you are really close, you jam your chin into the other person’s shoulder. For the person giving the “pointy chin” this feels really good, for the receiver not so much – but you get used to it."

I think this part stuck in my mind partly because my special child at the time seemed to show affection by taking a bit of your skin between his fingernails and twisting! But also, it stayed in my mind because it was so much a type of something that seems to happen so much in life. There is always a bit of surprise, even humiliation and discomfort, in so many occasions of embracing what life brings. You can only laugh, and acknowledge it, and accept the good in it .... or not. Sometimes I don't. But recently I've been trying, and it has brought a certain amount of satisfaction -- and even, moments of joy and contentment. Deo Gratias!