Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 7

For now, I’m going to skip over the next section which was about medical causes for fatigue, and go onto the section about work conditions, which is a little easier to tell about without checking the book for spelling and definition of medical words like endocrinal systems and pernicious anemia and so on.

The section on work conditions is the last one in the book and I found it quite helpful. It described the typical working conditions of many, obviously not all, women . Women who stay at home can experience fatigue associated with frequent lifting (small children, household objects, etc) and with other kinds of work to do with housework and childcare. They can also find themselves bored with the sameness and seeming unproductivity of their work. Boredom saps energy levels. The book made the point that labor-saving machinery in the home has made the housewife’s job easier but also more boring. There is no longer the pride and personal creativity that went into cooking and household crafts in the pre-electricity days. Having just returned from a visit to the house of a friend who works hard to bring the personal creativity back to her household management, this point struck me as a valid one. I do think homeschooling brings meaning back into the home environment at least in my case because I am more likely to learn a new craft or subject if it is one I think would benefit my children as well.

As to women in the workplace — the book says that women often end up in the kinds of jobs that either depend upon nurturing and the trade of emotions in some way —- nurse, teacher, day care provider, secretary, airplane hostess, waitress — or they have repetitious, narrow-focused jobs — in factories, the book says, women often get the more rigid, boring jobs since they are considered more capable of enduring this kind of work. I see no reason to disbelieve this since most of the working women I know have one or the other kind of job. Actually, probably the nurturing ones are most representative in my experience. I do also know lots of women doctors and professors and authors and small-business owners, who seem to fit into a different category than either of the ones dealt with in the book.
Anyway, here is the relevant part. Women in nurturing jobs have to pay emotional coin to some extent in return for the income. That is a drain especially in the cases where the situation becomes emotionally over-demanding. She talks about air hostesses but I will mention nursing, since I’ve been in so many hospitals. It is emotional to deal with sick people and their sometimes unfair and angry or grieving relatives. The nurses bear the biggest burden of emotional support whereas the doctors vary quite widely in their bedside manner; nurturing may be a bonus but is not an integral part of their job description. My friend who is a family therapist finds her work draining enough that she has left it temporarily to find more routine, less emotionally challenging employment, at least in the years when her daughter is small.

But routine, narrow-focused work comes at a price too because women who aren’t able to bring their whole selves to their work will be frustrated by that, which again is a fatigue-producer. The book makes some suggestions for balancing out the two aspects — avoiding or compensating for excessive emotional drain of the nurturing jobs, and finding ways to broaden restricted job descriptions and avoid career dead-ends. This was not of direct interest to me right now. The main message for me was to be conscious that a balance between variety and routine is the best way to feel satisfied in one’s work, and work at an optimum level of energy.

Also the idea of customizing one’s own life and environment, whether working at home or away from it. Not a new idea, but something to think about. She makes the point that sometimes developing a talent or interest can lead to an at-home source of income, which is very true. I know lots of women (and men) who have done it this way. I have another library sale book called Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow which I haven’t read yet, but it’s on this general topic and this does relate more than a bit to unschooling.

Return from the North

I haven’t been journalling much on here. Life has been so busy the past week or so, with a 14 hour round trip journey last week. I could go on and on just about all the events of that trip, but of course there’s not time. Then there were a couple of days of recovering. Today we are unpacked, laundry caught up, and I’m rested enough perhaps to stay up and write for a few minutes, though I just spend about half an hour longer than I meant to updating Aidan’s medical page and visiting other blogs.

This morning I got a call from a good friend who has recently moved and we had a looong conversation about all sorts of things. I guess we are both philosophical types because we spent the whole time discussing literature and ethical principles and how to live rightly and never even talked about the details of her move and settling in until the last 3 minutes. I know, it is hard to believe. I love that kind of conversation though. While talking I managed to make waffles for breakfast and go out on the porch to keep an eye on Aidan who has been spending the bulk of his waking hours loading the back of our Suburban. He just impresses me so much when he can work so long and hard for his goals which are, I suppose, to facilitate another 7 hour car trip in 100 degree plus heat with a barely functional air conditioner. He loved our adventure.

Sunday used to be the day when Liam called from college and now it is the day when Liam takes a break from programming for his dad — this means he makes himself a late breakfast and then:

1) We played classical guitar duets and then I started him on the next lesson in the book which is Noad’s Solo Guitar Playing, the one my dad taught me from and learned from himself. (I have a much older edition than the one I linked to).

2) He helped me with my Latin. We consulted and decided that he would tell me a story in Latin, I would transcribe it as he told it to me, and then I would try to translate it. So basically, good for both of us since he is composing in Latin and I’m having to listen and getting that multi-level reinforcement of listening, writing and reading it back.

3) We had our next story club meeting. Liam suggested we call it Society of the Moth since three of us have a moth in the story and Clare has agreed to let a moth have a Hitchcockian cameo appearance in her story. Liam read his story, then I read Kieron’s, then Clare read her new story, then I read some of Brendan’s old one. I didn’t have enough new in my story to contribute. Sean sat in too and Liam made the hot cocoa and tea. This is starting to be a Tradition.
4) About the movie: Clare and Liam decided to postpone the full-blown movie until next summer. Clare was getting bogged down in the scriptwriting and all the logistical details to work out like costumes, sets, memorizing parts etc. So instead she has written a short comedy script about a burglar. They are planning to use this as a way to have fun, practice with procedural details and gain some experience.

5) Brendan and Sean played with Bionicles most of the afternoon.

Have you ever noticed that an event like a journey or some variety in daily life can bring about a burst of creativity? Such seems to be the case here. The kids really enjoyed the trip (and Brendan enjoyed a quiet house with only his dad) and also are very glad to be home (and I think B’s a BIT glad we’re home, too)
I have been making some tentative plans and brainstorming ideas for the future, but it’s all sort of swirling around still in my mind. One of the projects highest on my list is to arrange all the books. A daunting task. We have shelves in little niches all over the house. How can I turn this into category and order? But I will start with the picture books which are currently in plastic boxes where no one can get to them. Bringing them out will no doubt be a strewing event too. And it will be ongoing, because there is no way this project will not take weeks and weeks.
Just one bookshelf — and there are dozens of them in the house — well, at least more than one dozen!

Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 6

The next section of the book was on dealing with losses of different types. Major life events such as illness, moves, job changes, death or parting with loved ones, and divorce bring with them stress, and stress and fatigue are strongly associated. Of course, this is natural and normal. But sometimes, we have a tendency to try to stuff down, deny, or get past our grief quickly, which turns out often to be counter-productive.

So the advice here is to do the “work” of grief. My best friend is a family therapist who has taught me a lot especially by example about how important it is to do that work and progress through the stages. I have to recognize that regularly in my life since I have a tendency to try to stuff down the grief of any kind of loss. Which is fine in the short run if that’s the best way to cope with the crisis — it’s just important to acknowledge that this isn’t all there is to it, that the work has just been postponed.

The book covered several kinds of loss: loss associated with aging, like illness or menopause; loss from personal events like divorce or disaster; and death or major illness of relatives. These losses involve not only the loss of the thing or person, but also a change in one’s identity or view of oneself or standing, which can be very demoralizing. If a person is still going through one of these things, it is natural to be fatigued of course, and the fatigue can be explained and managed. Fatigue can come after the fact, too, if the grieving process is not yet complete.

She points out that it is important to respect the fatigue — to make time for the grieving process, to maintain both intimate friendships and the wider circle of casual friendships. Both, she says, have been shown to be of importance to the grieving person. Networking and support groups can be very helpful and fortunately, in today’s world there are support groups for almost any specific kind of problem or concern.

In general, while the grieving “work” is going on, you need to treat it as work and allow time and energy and thought to spare on it, and not try to rush through it.

Sometimes, grief and loss can end up manifested as depression, or sometimes depression can come seemingly from nowhere. Chronic depression is similar in some way to the temporary and normal depression associated with grief, but it lasts longer and affects life in a more permanent way. There is a checklist in the book that asks about things like changes in appetite, sleep, suicidal thoughts, etc. Here’s a similar checklist online.

I tend to go through depressive cycles. I would consider them mild bouts of depression by what I’ve read of others, but still quite uncomfortable to me. Exercise has been highly recommended by several of you who comment on my blog, and so has cutting the caffeine. I’ve done the second and am planning how to accomplish the first. So thanks . Also cutting the sugar and chocolate though I’m not sure if anyone actually dared mention that one. I didn’t say eliminate, just cut. We’ll see how it goes. There’s probably a “taking control” aspect of modifying one’s habits that is invigorating in itself. But still, that’s a bonus even if it has a certain placebo aspect to it — mind you, I’m not saying it’s ONLY a placebo!

She says that depression can sometimes be gotten through with the help of one’s own support systems, but if it is too severe and unmanageable or continues for a long time, seeing a doctor is a very good idea. I don’t think she added this last part, but I would think that depression could indicate a medical problem. I have some friends with thyroid issues or who have experienced post partum depression, so their depressions are related to their hormonal imbalances.

Nature and interesting hobbies also help as remedies for depression, I hear!

Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 5

The next part of Women and Fatigue rather disappointed me. It was about fatigue stemming from emotional conflict and difficulties, so I was thinking that it would get to the “heart” of the matter. But instead it turned out to be a bit of a manifesto for feminism and a rant against our patriarchal system that ranks women as inferiors and forces them into a sort of ghetto where relationships and certain “feminine” standards are the measure of the woman’s self-respect.

This just does not ring with my life experience at all and so it was rather puzzling and unsatisfying to read. For instance, I didn’t have a background of being pushed into a “wife and mom” role — in fact, rather the opposite. I could see little grains of truth here and there. For instance, it rang true that it’s sometimes more difficult to feel validated by work that our society doesn’t validate (ie mothering and house management) and that can’t be easily measured in terms of money or prestige or concrete output. So I can see that this could lead to an energy drain which needs to be thoughtfully dealt with. But the book seemed to go further and say that this is a sign that this kind of work actually IS more marginal than a paid career. It argued that women in paid careers are happier and less fatigued than women who stay at home (which was questionable, to me, but if it were true it could be simply because it is counter-cultural). At the same time, the book also made the case that many women are forced to work. The effect was a bit patchy logically; it made me feel that the author was a bit wrapped up in a particular agenda because she seemed to be proclaiming the rueful necessity and desireability of a career in spite of and in cure of chronic fatigue.

The whole subject of how mothers can balance professional and home lives is a complex one. I personally think the whole idea of parents having to go away from their homes is a relatively new one in history; my husband and I both work at home though he is the primary breadwinner — we’ve allowed an income drop for the sake of this, because it’s a priority for us, but obviously others may have different solutions to the problem of making a family life “work” in today’s world). And we do presently exist on one rather meagre income even with seven children, one in college. So it can be done.
Anyway, I don’t doubt that it has an effect on women’s fatigue levels — the fatigue that comes from juggling several roles and often doing more than one’s share of the housework and parenting, and the fatigue that comes from isolation and the constant “on-task” nature of being the stay at home primary caretaker of children. The author says rightly that we are in a period of transition and transition times bring stresses and consequently fatigue. I just think she addressed this in too limited and scattered a fashion.

For this reason there wasn’t that much useful advice in there for me except an awareness that I ought to be aware of the energy losses that can come with ambivalence and/or emotional stress. There was wisdom too in the advice that it’s important for one’s energy level to take control of one’s life — to make conscious, mindful choices rather than feel or be pushed into things because of exterior pressures.
(Further reading: Moonshadow on The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars. The Learning Umbrella also has a review of the Mommy Wars book.)

We'll Be Back!

Tomorrow we are on the road, driving up north for a few days in our trusty old Suburban. So this blog will be quiet for a few days.

We’re ready!

Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 4

After diet and exercise, the book covers other areas of life that are more or less in a person’s control. Alcohol, drugs (OTC or prescribed), and cigarettes are discussed. I read quickly through this part because I don’t really use any of these on a regular basis, so I don’t think that’s where my tiredness comes from. I don’t smoke and I rarely take a medication — and when I do need an antihistamine, it’s pretty obvious the effect it has on my energy level, so I try to get off them as soon as possible. Oce in a while I have a malt cooler with my husband. It just isn’t something that’s a dependency for me. Wish it was that easy with regards to chocolate and coffee.

The author did make some points about giving up cigarettes that rang true with regards to caffeine and sugar — namely, that you will feel worse before you feel better when you have quit. Also, that you can quit more than once without being an utter failure. Sometimes it takes several tries to accomplish the quitting for good, and those tries aren’t worthless. Hmm, that is rather reassuring. And it makes sense because there are a few areas in my life where I really have changed for the better over the very, very loong run.
Last of all is the section on sleep. Sleep problems are common among Americans nowadays — both quantity and quality of sleep. People who have to work the swing shift are often exhausted even after they’ve had time to adjust, which shows that we have natural biorhythms centered around the sun. People with health problems may have sleeping difficulties, which in turn debilitates them further since sleep is a necessary physical and mental restorative. And of course, the same is true of people with emotional difficulties — if they lose sleep it will make their emotional reactions more intense. I certainly have had my experiences with this kind of vicious cycle; and of course, with seven children, interrupted sleep is a regular feature in my life through the past 20 years.

I happen to be blessed with my father’s talent for napping whenever I have a spare 10 minutes, wherever I happen to be. (He is a physician and found this to be a great blessing during his practicing years). So in my case it’s usually quality rather than quantity of sleep that’s an issue. Unfortunately, I seem to need a LOT of sleep — 8 hours plus. When I short on this, I regret it. I try not to short. But I really wish my life weren’t so dominated by the longing to sleep.

This whole section was called “Change your Lifestyle.” After reading it, I think the first thing to do is to focus more on being in touch with how and when I eat, sleep and move. The next section is called “Ease Your Strains” and is about the physical and emotional conflicts in a woman’s life.

Unschooling and Planning

Can you be an unschooler and still plan?

A recurrent question of mine.

I realize that while my more structured homeschooling sometimes burned me out and didn’t leave a lot of room for organic learning, it still gave me something to work on, something that felt productive to me. At the end of the day I could say: X child did Y, I did W and Z, and so on. This is something I seem to need to feel motivated to keep going.
Home management is useful and necessary but it isn’t really productive — most of the results, sadly, are gone in a few hours or a day. Even the projects like decluttering aren’t really what I’d call meaningful. They are means to an end — more streamlined living and better use of resources — but in themselves, they won’t matter in a year or a century.

Mothering is useful and necessary, too, and there are various parallels with house management, but of course it goes further into the relationship sphere. Take friendships or marital relationships. They require interpersonal skills, time and creativity and flexibility, but they aren’t strictly “productive” — the benefits accumulate over time. Mothering is like that.

Then there are outside missions or vocations/ avocations. I do a little here and there on that front, both paid and volunteer basis, but nothing very systematic or that I can point to and say unequivocally: “There! I did something!” It’s all sort of minor and sporadic. And if I increased my commitment to outside activities, I think I would shortchange my family. That may change when I only have one or two older kids at home, but with a whole crew including a nursing preschooler and a medically fragile youngster, I think I need to devote my best energy to the home front.
So I guess my structured homeschooling fit a niche in my life and now I need to find a way to do this in a more unschooling framework. Record-keeping, like I’m doing on this blog, is something. But I think I need to have some kinds of plans and goals to feel like I’m actually, possibly, getting somewhere instead of spinning my wheels.

Can you plan and still unschool?

JoVE at Tricotomania has two posts up about “Curriculum Planning” for:

English and Math

I like the way she looks at her daughter and then looks for something that will suit her learning style, personality, AND the goals she has for her.

Faith at Dumb Ox Academy is thinking of each child one by one, setting goals and rounding up resources: so far she has considered

• Josh
• William

Theresa at Lapaz Farm Home Learning is planning for her ten year old and I am thinking my Kieron would like an approach something like this.

I am going to be on the look-out for more of this kind of planning posts — I know I’ve found others that I’m not remembering now.

Here’s another list of goals from A Room of My Own.

Sense and Sensibility

This was pretty much a typical day except that we did our weekly cleaning since Aidan’s case manager from the regional center was to come here today. The meeting went fine, nothing really new except the possibility of another psychological evaluation in the fall. Right now they have him written down as MMR (mildly mentally retarded) but with a provisional aspect because he was only 3 at the time with motor delays and it was difficult obviously to make an accurate diagnosis on that basis.

Clare convinced me to watch Sense and Sensibility with her. The little ones seem to have a mission based on the earnest desire to keep me from sitting down for more than 20 minutes at a time. So I missed some parts, but it was fun.

The movie seems like a good one to watch with a teenager. (Sean watched it too) It’s so clear that deep emotion is a good thing, but unrestrained emotion can be hurtful to everyone around. And the dresses and scenery are spectacular, and the music is beautiful too. Sean could care less about that part of it, but he really likes the funny parts.
Clare has been busy this week while her friend is gone. She sewed a dress. Or rather, a skirt and top. She taped High Society songs so we could take them in the car. She listened to many, many old songs — Glenn Miller Band, Judy Garland, Bing Crosby. She played the piano: Clementi and the Patrick Doyle music for Sense and Sensibility. She discussed philosophy with me. She read lots of old Envoy magazines.

She danced and convinced one of her brothers to dance with her:

She played with her little brothers.

Yes, he has a blue tongue. Kool-Aid anyone?

Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 3

The next section of the book Women and Fatigue is about isolating the reasons for the symptoms of fatigue. There are 15 short questionnaires asking about diet, exercise, job stress, physical aspects of job, quality of sleep, conflicts and stress in home life, mood, and various health-related habits like smoking, drinking, drug use.

After doing these questionnaires, I see that in almost all of the areas, I fall into the mild to moderate fatigue category. With physical and other job aspects, I have it easy compared to lots of people. I work at home and so most of my occupational stresses fall under the emotional conflict category — juggling too much, worrying about future, etc. I was surprised that I was really high, or low, on the “mood” questionnaire. Almost all the questions were a yes, which puts me rather squarely in a depressive category. So which comes first, the fatigue or the low mood? I think when I’m more rested, I will feel better mood-wise — at least, I hope so!
Anyway, two areas that are under my control in theory at least are diet and exercise. And those are the first two that the book covers in detail. The nutrition section is pretty conventional — avoid fats and simple sugars, eat complex carbs, don’t diet or binge. I know all that, yet…! I run for a bottled frappucino or a handful of M&Ms when that deadly afternoon crash comes. That’s definitely an area where I could improve.

And exercise….. it’s really, really, really hard to justify setting aside the time for exercise. I don’t enjoy it and it is something I have to set aside time for, which is difficult. I’d much rather take the book’s advice about bubble baths, or afternoon naps, or setting aside time for a hobby. Maybe I can get my teenage daughter in on this. She’d really like to see me taking better care of myself. And think of the example I’m setting whether for good or evil!!

The book makes the case that exercise really increases energy level and that fitness is at least a partial antidote to fatigue. Well, OK….

Me — pic taken by my daughter — and yes, that is my normal posture. I was shocked to notice it. I am starting to look a bit like my dad, but at least, no balding yet!

Managing Life

I woke up early, planning for some reason.

I think one of the reasons for my tiredness MAY be lack of routine in the day. Just a theory — but I’ve noticed in the past that when I have no way of measuring my energy output or pacing out the workload, the drain accumulates faster. I have a very loose schedule that’s evolved organically, but it is rather minimal and doesn’t leave me feeling productive.

I’d like to have a flexible but constructive routine. A tall order? perhaps? but something to work for.

All last year while I deschooled I read home organization and psychology books. I found an organization system that has been really solid and works as long as I do, which of course is the big conditional part of any system.

Anyway, here are some of the things I wanted to carve out time for:

• Reading out loud
• Art /drawing time
• Nature study time
• Game times.
• Occasional field trips.
• Short term lessons or learning experiences.
• Community involvement/friends.

There are probably more; I plan to make a page eventually. You can see how some of these might be daily, some weekly, some monthly or seasonal. So I could color-code them like I do my housework chores. Purple ones could be personal, like:

• Story-writing
• Latin
• Researching
• Other writing.

Anyway, I think I will start making a list of things and add to it as I come across new ideas that I’d love to incorporate.

Circle of Days

Speaking of home management, Melissa at The Lilting House has a series of posts on Mom-Planners. Her most recent post describes the Circle of Days planner by Small Meadow Press (look in the All in Order category of Lesley's Shop section, or you can see some views here ). It looks like a beautiful concept which would fit in well with the index card system I seem to do best with. And it is pretty and simple, too. How inspiring! I think my daughter might like some of the nice old-fashioned things on Lesley's site (that's a pic of my daughter's bookshelf in my home management post, by the way)

I even love that name: Circle of Days!
Oh, and she has a blog too: see The Bower

Tired? Women and Fatigue Part 2

This part of the book is about different layers in the whole system from which fatigue can originate. The author lists 5 levels: sub-cellular, cellular, organ systems, body, and person. For example, one woman she mentioned had a mild, incurable form of anemia caused by thalassemia. The origin of this is a genetic, sub-cellular defect. Knowing this, the woman had developed successful strategies to continue a rigorous working schedule. Some tips: light exercise at intervals, hiring a cleaning woman to do some of the housework, chatting with a friend occasionally over wine.

Another woman had 8 children and recommended brief naps during the day whenever rest was possible, especially when pregnancy is putting a load on the system. Another woman was facing emotional stresses, and had to get rid of some of the things that were stressing her out at the personal level.

THe author is getting into the concept of stress. Stressors are things that put a drain on the system at any of the above-described levels. Stress is the actual effect these things have on the person. Some people seem to be have a greater capacity for stress than others. It is speculated that we each are given a certain allowance for a lifetime and when we reach the overload point, it has consequences on our whole systems. FOr example, a woman who is juggling career, aging parents and small children may suddenly get ill out of sheer exhaustion.

Stress has 3 levels: the original alarm, then resistance, then incipient exhaustion. Even “good stressors” like a new baby, marriage, vacation can put a tax on the system.

The author writes that she used to be constantly fatigued but by taking charge of it and giving herself energy restorers, she was able to get so that she was productive and rarely felt fatigue. This would be my goal. Some energy boosters are: nutrition, good sleep, exercise, pleasure, mastery.

My Management Systems

Lists

New Year 2006

Daily 1-2-3

Monthly Jobs

Seasonal Checklist

Focus by Day

Kids Weekly Jobs

Inspiration

I made these lists last year and they still seem to be working for me with minor adjustments. I have all the jobs written on index cards in different colors. Yellow is daily, blue weekly, green monthly and pink is seasonal. The basic idea comes from Sidetracked Home Executives.

These books worked better for me than anything else I've tried so far, even Flylady. Though I've benefited from some bits and pieces from Large Family Logistics and from Motivated Moms, SHE seems to fit my style the best. I seem to need a big picture view and lots of simplicity and structure combined for the daily details. The cards seem to suit my visual/kinesthetic side better than lists, though I hardly need to actually look at the cards any more.

This summer I would like to organize my books and try to figure out a simple routine for homeschooling. Not so much a schedule for my kids as one for me, to allow me to bring in ideas and plans within a fairly predictable framework.

Tired? Women and Fatigue

Yesterday afternoon I had an attack of acute …. fatigue. I know that sounds a bit of an oxymoron, like the Monty Python killer rabbit. But it was real, and it scared me a bit because it was so extreme and it didn’t seem directly caused by anything. I am always low -energy on the scale of things, but this felt worse than that.

Anyway, that made me realize how this tiredness has been creeping up on me over time. It hits hardest in the afternoons, as it always has, but it’s harder to deal with nowadays. I have gained weight too and even in the better times of the day, I sometimes struggle just to get the next thing done, let alone actually do all the projects I’d like to do. I sort of doubt it has a physical cause, though I’ve looked up hypothyroidism and CFS. Well, we’ll see. Anyway, the scare I got gave me a boost to start researching and trying to manage this a bit more proactively, instead of just brushing it aside or accusing myself of being lazy, or grabbing another cup of coffee or some carbs reflexively for an energy boost!

Today at the library I fortuitously found this book Women and Fatigue on the sale rack for a dime. It looks like a sensible, well thought out book by a medical journalist. Anyway, I’m going to read it and write out my notes on it as I go.

First, the author makes the point that fatigue is real and affects lots of American women even though in some ways our lives are easier than that of our forebears. Some of the reasons are: poor diet, complexity of lives (multiple roles, for instance), poor habits, overwork, and physical conditions. She says that mind and body are united, not two separate and distinct things as we have tended to think since Enlightenment times. Mental fatigue affects the body and vice versa, so just because there is no physical cause for fatigue doesn’t mean that it’s “all in your head” or you should just “get over it”. No matter what the origin of the tiredness, it needs to be addressed and managed.
She describes how energy tends to go in cycles for most people, especially women. We have daily biorhythms that influence our energy supplies, and monthly rhythms, and then various lifetime changes like pregnancy and menopause that also cause hormonal fluctuations. She suggests keeping a log on a daily index card that lists times of day, mood, and also what time of the monthly cycle it is.

I think I will try that or at least the Plan B from Outer Space version, which would be — write it down when I especially notice something out of the common way — huge drain like yesterday, or unusually vital time. Then try to list context — what else was going on in the time frame that might have influenced it.

Sounds a bit navel-gazing, perhaps, but I really want to get hold of this problem and address it. Right now, I think the frustration of not getting done what I want to is actually increasing the fatigue.

Family and the Homeschool

This is based on an article I wrote for a Catholic homeschool newsletter.

When we started homeschooling our children, it was largely for family reasons. My older children briefly attended a Catholic school, but we found that the school schedule consumed almost every hour of the day. My fourth child had to spend some time in the hospital after birth and was a high-needs infant, and it was very difficult to be an involved school mom for the older ones as well as a nurturing mom for the little one. Homeschooling came to seem like a way of centering our family again, and indeed, that turned out to be the case.

As a beginning homeschooler, I felt very inexperienced and anxious about my ability to educate my children. I remember kneeling in front of our home altar and begging Our Blessed Mother to be the heart of our home and to make up for my inevitable lapses, and to give me her motherly counsel and wisdom. Many times, I have been grateful for her intercession. There were struggles, but in the context of our growth in faith the struggles have helped us, in our late Pope's words, "Become who we are" as a family.

It was family reasons, as well, that brought us to Kolbe Academy about a year after we started homeschooling. We found the scope and sequence reflected what we would want for our children, particularly the integrated great books courses in the high school years. Also, the philosophy about the sovereignty of the family spoke to our beliefs. Pope Paul IV spoke for the Church on this: "Parents who have the primary and inalienable right and duty to educate their children must enjoy true liberty in their choice of schools." The principle that the parents are the primary educators and that the school's role is to support their efforts rather than displace them has been very influential in the way we have brought up our children.

The Holy Family is the role model for Christian families. Our Lord grew to adulthood within His Family, and His first public act in His teaching mission was to do a favor for His mother, in support of a newlywed couple, when He changed water into wine at their wedding. His childhood in a loving, responsive home environment was an example of the conditions under which all children best thrive and "grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men."

It is increasingly understood by psychologists of modern times that the sense of trust and safety and concern for others that grows naturally in a family relationship is nearly irreplaceable. This echoes what the Church has always taught. Furthermore, without this inbuilt sense of trust, safety, and commitment, it is almost impossible to learn effectively. A human being's hunger for attachment and security is almost as fundamental as the desire for food, water and sleep. In some ways more so, since children deprived of opportunities to attach to a caretaker (for example, in orphanages or hospitals) often fail to thrive and sometimes literally starve for lack of emotional contact.

Our society ignores this truth by sending children out to educational institutions at increasingly young ages. This is perhaps part of the reason that homeschooled children tend to do quite well academically, socially and morally in comparison to their peers in public schools, even though their education is usually much less expensive and time-consuming. When public schooling is successful, it is usually when the family ties are strong and solid or where the children have found a replacement parent figure to become attached to. (cf Becoming an Adult)

Homeschooling families have time and opportunity to build strong family relationships, which is the main factor in academic success whether a child is homeschooled or not. Praying, working, talking, eating, and reading together are all ways to build close ties. Playing games, going places together, or learning about a new subject are also relationship builders. These things are a large part of our homeschooling foundation, and worth the time and effort spent. The formal academics are like the visible tip of the iceberg; but a lot of what goes on in the daily life of a family is like the mostly invisible bulk of the iceberg which stabilizes and raises up the visible part.

One very valuable thing to do as a Catholic homeschooling family is the annual home retreat. Praying and reflecting on your family's unique charisms, purpose and mission can help you see, through God's grace, what has helped strengthen your family in the past and where you are going in the future. Pray to invoke the gifts bestowed by the Holy Spirit when you and your children were confirmed, and pray to better employ the unique graces of your matrimonial sacrament. Ask for the Holy Family's intercession for your family. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all the rest will be added unto you." This Scripture applies to education, as well.

Resources for Retreats

Do it At Home Retreat
The Way to Christ: Spiritual Exercises (John Paul II)
My Path to Heaven (Ignatian retreat for children)
Retreat With the Lord by Fr John Hardon
I Believe in Love
Mission of the Catholic Family

Books about Importance of Family Relationships

Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers
Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness
The Hurried Child: Growing up too Fast too Soon

Online Spiritual Resources:

Novena to Holy Spirit
Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius
Introduction to the Devout Life
Father Hardon Archives

Related Reading:

Moonshadows has an interesting series on the book Hyper-Parenting, -- I haven't read the book yet but her comments are fascinating:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten

Teens and Dragons and Other Scary Things

Monday is our traditional cleaning day since I take Sunday off from cleaning and it doesn’t take long for the place to get trashed. So today we worked most of the morning. I caught up on phone calls and found that Aidan’s recent bloodwork came through fine, hooray, that means he doesn’t have to get labs again until the beginning of August. These little things add up!
I took Aidan outside and worked on the garage, sweeping and then Pine-sol mopping the back of the garage to get ready for the new fridge and freezer to be delivered today — Kevin had already cleared out all the big things in the way including the old freezer.

Then I sat out on the porch and read Orthodoxy and took notes.

Brendan, Sean and Kieron played Legos and ordered some more with birthday money they had saved up.

The dryer appears to be broken so there are wet clothes hanging from the railings of the loft.

I made a Chinese chicken salad for dinner and cut up the mini seedless watermelon Kevin bought yesterday when we were in town. It was a nice meal. We have just started eating family dinners together since we got the new dishwasher. It really encourages me to lay out a more healthy selection of food. Not that we don’t still have a looong way to go on that front. The book I read, Mother Styles, comforted me a little bit about that. I guess intuitive moms don’t tend to think of creature comforts and material advantages when they think of how to love their kids — they tend to think in more big picture terms. I remember how guilty I used to feel because my very good friend B, who was then childless, would come over and bathe my babies for me and seem to actually enjoy the practical details like powdering and clipping nails, while I couldn’t wait to rush through the ritual and get it over with. Anyway …. the point is that when I think of nurturing, I don’t immediately think of attractive, healthy food nicely prepared. It is a stretch for me — I have to get there by the intuitive by-road. But knowing that, there’s some hope I’m not just a deadbeat of a mom.

Yesterday evening, Clare wanted me to watch High Society with her — I think she was missing her friend who we dropped off at the university after going to a Tridentine Mass together in town. I sat and watched and ate oriental food and had a blue hawaii wine cooler. Luxury! See, I’m trying to get in touch with my sensory side.

And today I played ping-pong with Liam and then watched him and Sean play.

I am seeing that this purportedly homeschool journal seldom has anything specifically educational in it. One reason is that I’ve simply ditched all the curriculum, at least for the summer. But I would like to get more into the “learning” aspect of all these daily details. Sometimes though it’s difficult to weed through all the daily events of 7 children (counting the 2 graduates) and figure out what’s most relevant.

Maybe I should just focus on one or two:

Aidan played on the V Tech cash register for quite a while, and discovered several “A’s” in different places on the Suburban. He also managed to load his stroller into the back of the Suburban by himself. Was he proud! Everyone had to come out and look.

Kieron built his Lego, which was a Nidhogg dragon. He told me they are usually brown, not black and red. I asked where he had heard about them before and he said “From Age of Mythology!” So sure enough, here is one. I guess that counts as an unschooling moment!

I often notice that if I write about one day, not much seems to be happening, except life. But over the long run, it does add up. I wrote about that in this thread on 4reallearning.

Sean, 13, is going through a strange stage. I think he needs more challenge than he is getting. He alternates between teasing his younger brother, talking to his older one, worrying about things that seem minor to me, and pushing limits. Then he also wants to know about everything I’m doing or asks me about every conversation he overhears. It reminds me a bit of when he was 2 and 3 and driving me crazy, honestly. Every teen seems to have their own spin on teenagerdom. It’s not like he’s being rebellious or out of control — just strange and sometimes, hilariously funny, but… strange. I am too old for this and just think, I’ll be ten years older still when Paddy goes through this stage. Fun!

Strange but sort of funny

Maybe it isn’t permanent?

A Ten Year Old's Summer

Kieron took this picture of a lizard:

and this picture too, at the request of his sister
–wow, looks like he’s been studying impressionist painters:

Here’s the photographer himself taking a break:

And here he’s hiding from the spray hose:

Posted in Nature, Living and learning | No Comments

Unschooling Voices #1

is out!

Lots Going On, Little Time to Write

The past few days have been so busy I’ve hardly had time to sit down at the computer. My daughter’s dear friend has been visiting for the past few days and life has been full!

A short itinerary since otherwise I am bound to forget most of it:

Tuesday evening, we picked her up at the Amtrak station.

Wednesday, their big plan was a picnic. They have been working out the details for months. They dressed up in their most feminine, old-fashioned clothes, packed a basket with tea and dainty things to eat and little teacups and saucers, and co-opted a cooperative 10 year old Kieron to take some photos.

Thursday, we went up to grandma’s lake near the summit — spectacular and quiet since their part of the beach is private. I took the little boys to the dock so they could splash around in the water. The girls sat by a different part of the lake and sang, according to all reports. The older boys played darts and pingpong and chess.

That evening, a bunch of old books arrived from ABEbooks. We had fun looking through them and having literary discussions. The “What are you reading and what do you think of it?” kind that occur when “real learning” families get together.
Then after dinner, we had our Story Club meeting previously mentioned. After that we talked about story writing. Then we said a decade of the Rosary together and then watched the movie made by the TAC students called Supaseo, which had arrived in the mail. It was so much fun! but unfortunately, the DVD was damaged so it kept cutting off and finally died, so we’ll have to order another one before we can watch the last few minutes. However, along with the story club and the afternoon by the lake it made for a great creative day.

Friday, we went to the homeschool Stations of the Cross and then the girls had planned to go into town and go fabric shopping. We went to Wal-Mart, then Michael’s, then Joann. Whew! Especially since it was 104 degrees and our airconditioning is dying in the car. I also picked up Aidan’s meds at the pharmacy and got Kieron his free personal pizza from the library reading coupon. That made all that fabric shopping barely tolerable for him, anyway.

Today, Saturday, Clare had her violin lesson and we met her teacher’s very appealing mother who was there on a visit — she was one of those elderly people who make you feel they are bestowing a blessing on you as they talk to you. I would like to be like that.

Now Clare is happily sewing, and her friend is not-so-happily preparing faux legislation for her Girls State congress next week. Tonight Kevin may take them to the fireworks by the lake.
I have been spending a good part of the days outside with Aidan and the other kids. I hope to keep doing this. I bought them squirt guns the other day to encourage them to keep active outside.

Tomorrow, Sunday, we will be going to the Tridentine Mass in town and then take Clare’s friend to her political camp– sigh. We will really miss her! It has been a delight to be a leetle less outnumbered than Clare and I usually are –our norm is a ratio of 7:2, not even counting the pets who are both males as well. A little extra feminine influence goes a long way and this is particularly the case with this friend of Clare’s. Yesterday the girls put on swing music and danced out on the deck, and even got Kieron and Paddy to join in. Now they want to teach Liam so that when he goes back to college he can go the dances — yeah, right!

Clare and Paddy swing-dancing

Lots Going On, Little Time to Write

The past few days have been so busy I’ve hardly had time to sit down at the computer. My daughter’s dear friend has been visiting for the past few days and life has been full!

A short itinerary since otherwise I am bound to forget most of it:

Tuesday evening, we picked her up at the Amtrak station.

Wednesday, their big plan was a picnic. They have been working out the details for months. They dressed up in their most feminine, old-fashioned clothes, packed a basket with tea and dainty things to eat and little teacups and saucers, and co-opted a cooperative 10 year old Kieron to take some photos.

Thursday, we went up to grandma’s lake near the summit — spectacular and quiet since their part of the beach is private. I took the little boys to the dock so they could splash around in the water. The girls sat by a different part of the lake and sang, according to all reports. The older boys played darts and pingpong and chess.

That evening, a bunch of old books arrived from ABEbooks. We had fun looking through them and having literary discussions. The “What are you reading and what do you think of it?” kind that occur when “real learning” families get together.
Then after dinner, we had our Story Club meeting previously mentioned. After that we talked about story writing. Then we said a decade of the Rosary together and then watched the movie made by the TAC students called Supaseo, which had arrived in the mail. It was so much fun! but unfortunately, the DVD was damaged so it kept cutting off and finally died, so we’ll have to order another one before we can watch the last few minutes. However, along with the story club and the afternoon by the lake it made for a great creative day.

Friday, we went to the homeschool Stations of the Cross and then the girls had planned to go into town and go fabric shopping. We went to Wal-Mart, then Michael’s, then Joann. Whew! Especially since it was 104 degrees and our airconditioning is dying in the car. I also picked up Aidan’s meds at the pharmacy and got Kieron his free personal pizza from the library reading coupon. That made all that fabric shopping barely tolerable for him, anyway.

Today, Saturday, Clare had her violin lesson and we met her teacher’s very appealing mother who was there on a visit — she was one of those elderly people who make you feel they are bestowing a blessing on you as they talk to you. I would like to be like that.

Now Clare is happily sewing, and her friend is not-so-happily preparing faux legislation for her Girls State congress next week. Tonight Kevin may take them to the fireworks by the lake.
I have been spending a good part of the days outside with Aidan and the other kids. I hope to keep doing this. I bought them squirt guns the other day to encourage them to keep active outside.

Tomorrow, Sunday, we will be going to the Tridentine Mass in town and then take Clare’s friend to her political camp– sigh. We will really miss her! It has been a delight to be a leetle less outnumbered than Clare and I usually are –our norm is a ratio of 7:2, not even counting the pets who are both males as well. A little extra feminine influence goes a long way and this is particularly the case with this friend of Clare’s. Yesterday the girls put on swing music and danced out on the deck, and even got Kieron and Paddy to join in. Now they want to teach Liam so that when he goes back to college he can go the dances — yeah, right!

Clare and Paddy swing-dancing